Letter #8 Lost

 Dear Somebody (you know who you are), 

I feel like I have lost a friend. You were so nice to me that I can only believe you are absent because of something I did wrong. I feel bad, because I didn't know how to console you after you lost your father to Parkinson's. I could only stand next to you and watch you suffer. I couldn't offer a drive to a beautiful meadow, and it felt weird to ask you to do the driving yourself and for me. It probably would have been a good idea. But being poor has a funny way of making me think that all my ideas are bad, because they aren't generating income for me. 

I miss you, and I hope you are doing well. 

Always, 

Faith

Letter#7 Going Back to School During Quarantine

Dear Somebody, 

This is a stressful time. I feel afraid, but I want to finish school. What a weird position to be in. I want a better job, I want to make money. I feel that completing my degree will help me accomplish that. But what classes to take, I don't even know. And what jobs to apply to post grad? I don't even know. 

So many months have passed. May, June, and July....I'm so sorry that I haven't written. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. 

I have been focused on work. I restarted a job in June as a math tutor and it has me reflecting on where I wanna be. I have been a math tutor for almost three years. I have been busy at home, too. 

I have to go clean the kitchen now. 

Faith

letter#6 neglect

Dear Somebody, 

It's not that I have been too busy to write. It's just that I have nothing to say.

I started a job with an "essential retailer" and it's crazy the number of vacuums, microwaves, and vanities are broken or need upgrading. People are at home and they want where they live to be nice. Meanwhile in my own home we have a broken dishwasher, microwave, and door. It's interesting how I can be providing essential products to customers but not have access to what is "essential" myself. At least payday was today.

I don't really like working. I never really felt like I worked at a place that cared about me, but certainly now I have never felt more unsafe and paranoid working. Taking medicine and writing in my journals to cope has been helping but I worry that I'm not taking enough care of myself. I'm a worrier.

I am trying to stay connected. I have a friend that I talk to regularly on the phone and another few friends that I text regularly, but it isn't feeling like enough these days. I always considered myself an introvert but maybe I am an extrovert, or ambi. Or maybe I still have deep-seated traumas and beliefs that are messing with me and causing me to be lonely.

I hate that. I hate when I have difficultly separating my actual personality from the thoughts, feelings, and actions of mine that happen because of fear. I need to stop acting, feeling, and thinking out of fear, but it's hard right now. It's always hard. Do you have trouble with this? 

It's so late right now, so I will go to sleep.

peace,
Faith

letter#5 cw: trying to talk about race during this time

Dear Somebody:

Stuff has been...awfully racist lately.

I don't really know how to respond to it or help. Sinophobia is real and scary. Before, I just read about it once in a while, but now it's everyday and even my own friends or people that I met are experiencing it. It just feels a lot closer to me than it used to and I feel the effects of it. The fear and frustration in my community of friends mostly. It's palpable. In a way, this kind of reminds me of Black Lives Matter. I remember how heard and validated I felt when I saw a sign reading this in a window or on a t-shirt. So, in solidarity on this blog, I simply just feel the need to say that Asian Lives Matter. Racism is real and scary. I don't fully understand the intricacies of racism for Asian people or those racialized as Asian. I don't know any of the politically correct terms and I have heard from limited perspectives (Tufts friends and friends in the south). I have picked up one book about what it's like to be Asian in America and to be honest I don't even remember the title.

I've read:

Memoirs of a Geisha
Girl Overboard by Justina Chen
Pachinko by Min Jin Lee
This One Summer by Mariko Tamaki (Graphic novel)
Fragrant Harbour by John Lanchester

But that's the limit of my reading about living in Asia, being Asian, or Asian culture. I learn through my friends and what I come across when I'm trying to learn languages (a favorite hobby of mine). I've read some other stuff, but it was required reading. I hope that Asian people read more about/from Black people and vice versa. I hope Asian and Black people can be friends in a context beyond niche interests and transracial/culutral experience. Like I wish more people were just genuinely interested in each other and concerned with mitigating the struggles we know other people face.

It's times like this when I'm reminded of how there are people out there besides me, who don't look like me but still have the same fears. Not only do they have the same fears, they face similar violence, trauma, and invalidation of their experiences. I really don't know what to do to support my friends right now. I don't know if they are retreating inwards and if that's what's best for them or if they are just afraid to reach out. I don't know if they know they can reach out to me or to the people that they want to reach out to (that sucks: wanting to reaching out to someone but not knowing whether they are available to you, fearing that you will cross an emotional boundary, concern that "all your friends" have these emotional limits and maybe you have the wrong friends when you can't talk to them about race, not actually knowing how to communicate to your friends or people generally about race in an appropriate manner, not knowing if you can cry to your friends).

I don't know. I think if I were Asian right now, I would be so sad and scared it made me angry. Or so angry it made me sad and scared. Like I was during the height of Black Lives Matter protests. The scary and weird thing about now is that everyone is worried about an epidemic, so there aren't protests in the streets to counteract the violence happening right now. And questions come up like, if the violence was this prevalent but the coronavirus wasn't, would we see  protests? Will we see protests after the height of the pandemic? Why or why not? What can we do to counteract violence right now? How can we support the vulnerable and stand against this violence now?

I don't know how to write about this, how to write about race. It has been bothering me, but fears of accidentally speaking for a race or speaking out of ignorance originally deterred me from saying anything about race. Race is so hard to talk about and I guess I want to say that even as a person of color (I'm black), I still think racial fragility affects me and there isn't just "white fragility". I once heard "race is a social construct" and I guess within that premise lays an inherent fragility that perhaps not only makes it hard for Whites to ally meaningfully with BIPOC but also presents different facets of BIPOC communities with difficulties forming genuine solidarity with one another.

More on COVID and race later as I read more about the subject. Right now, I am just writing based on the vibes I get from my network and from the headlines I see on facebook, but one thing I can say is that this pandemic is affecting many communities of color and that the hate crimes occurring in the United States connected to COVID19 are not just in the form of violence and racial profiling but also in the form of environmental and medical neglect. I'll be sure to list sources as I write more about it. I just wanted to write a post to acknowledge fears and concerns around sinophobia/xenophobia, relate to it a bit, and perhaps start a conversation about what can be done to help protect and uplift people. I hope friends and family are finding restorative practices as well as actionable steps to combat the stress and trauma of racism that can affect you mentally and cause you to spiral. Sending love and prayers your way.

peace,
Faith

letter#4 good vibes only

Dear Somebody,

How are you doing?

Right now, I am trying my best to just vibe and go with the flow. I recently saw a meme about a video game called Animal Crossing. In the game you basically just catch bugs and fish, do favors for your neighbors, shake trees, go digging and other things to earn money gradually in order to pay off, expand, and decorate your home and also buy outfits for yourself. Every Saturday a dog named KK plays a song for you and gives you a tape. It's straight vibing, says the meme. I think Sims games are similar.  I like those types of games.

I wish I had more of a chill vibe and I feel like I lost it. During this time of anxiety, it feels especially important to reclaim a chill vibe and find my Type B personality again. Don't get me wrong, I still want to care. I just don't want to be overwhelmed by my emotions and other stimuli. It's a creative process, trying to find a  balance.

A previous letter touched on this but I'm regaining my vibe by going back to some of my favorite activities, sometimes even nostalgic activities now that I'm ready for that. I am trying to do more art and read more. I am trying to walk and be outside more and I hope to get a bike by the end of this year. The nostalgia is helpful, too, in small doses. Sometimes I just sit and think of the times before my Mema died and the good times I had with her: I remember when she would talk to me about high school dating, when we read together,  we would sew together. I am remembering her handwriting right now. She was left-handed and turned the paper completely upside-down to write, I guess, so that she wouldn't get ink on her hands.

What I hope to find through this process is a renewed sense of self. It is important to change with the times but I find myself searching for some solidity, consistency, a familiar place within myself that I can always come back to. This has been a struggle for me--holding on to my sense of self--since I started battling depression in college again and then got diagnosed with bipolar I disorder. I look back to my past and scope out the pockets of happiness and clarity that I can still apply to my life. Maybe as I get older, those pockets will dwindle or change and I'll have to learn to do that for the present more. I really miss my old self as a child and I hope to find out who that young person is as an adult. Reflection is one of those things I started as a child, so I'm glad I started writing young.

What about you? What are your constants in life? What about you has remained constant, if anything? 

peace,
Faith

letter#3 coronavirus in march

Dear Somebody:

I'm reflecting on what March was like with everything that has been going on. I find reflection to be a powerful tool at my disposal for managing my mood and outlook on life. 

Money is tight, and I might be up for a position at Lowe's. I may have mentioned this already, but I was sent home without pay from the job I was most recently hired at (Mathnasium). When I look at jobs in retail and customer service, lately I make a point of checking out the careers page with the company to see what jobs they have in corporate and maybe find a goal or line of work to try and move towards since my original plans for graduation and career and didn't work out. So far, I have been looking into store planning and data science (different things but I'll make that decision when it actually comes). In my gut it feels unwise to be looking for work, but I need an income and I have always cared about my career. Besides freaking out over when and how I will work, March has been a lot of sitting back and getting my mental health in order. I feel lucky and smiled down upon to have a psychiatrist and therapist that step up to the plate to meet the needs of their clients online and over the phone. It's one of the few things that keeps me feeling connected to the outside world.

I care a lot about having relationships. My therapist suggested group therapy to help me identify and contribute to healthier relationships. I was looking forward to starting my job so that I could start paying for that and doing some work on having healthier relationships. I had fewer meltdowns in March than in February or January, but altogether I think that I am just in shock and the gravity of the situtation is sinking in all too slowly. Like in an eerie and suspenseful way. There is a kind of depression and anxiety that is around the house, but my mom and my sisiters are at least open about the feeling. Maybe it is just me and my depression, but they let my feelings pass naturally instead of trying to chase them away.

This month I have a few goals: to create a big idea board for Arbour Day, do some reading/research on environmental issues (this pandemic as a result of changing climate and ecosystems being one of them--I want to know all about that and any advocacy or research with aims to counteract how the earth is rapidly change or at least adapt to it responsibly), and I had goals to take better care of my medical health....but appointments are being postponed and rescheduled except for emergencies. It kind of sucks to have recurring pain and it not be an emergency. It's just that I don't have the quality of life that I once had. It's hard to manage that pain, and even when I am managing the pain, it's hard to cope with the changes that were necessary to get to that place of pain management.

I know one things to be grateful for is my friends and family. They keep me sane. Focusing on my writing helps, too. Reflecting back on this month, what has gone right for you? How is better then previous months? What plans are you making for this month to get organized and centered?

Will write again soon. 

peace,
Faith

letter#2 brainstorming things to do.

Dear Somebody,

I just want to be clear that I am not actually in quarantine. Here in Tampa, FL, there is a mandate that only essential business be open and to go outside only when necessary. For me, wanting gummy bears warrants a walk around the corner to the nearest convenience store. Please don't judge me or call me stupid, but it is a shame that my sweet tooth is just that lethal. 

I've been trying hard to find things to do during this time. Here are some ideas: 

Making a rituals out of your hygiene routine instead of just going through the motions
This follows naturally: bubbles baths
And candles
Taking walks
Bike riding
Reading
Journals/reflections
Painting/drawing portraits/landscapes/objects
Learning a language
Free online learning
Becoming financially literate
Doing your taxes if you're late on that like I am :(
Don't give up on applying for jobs but ease into it and network :)
Mood boards and/or journals
Vision boards and/or journals
Discover music
1-year, 5-year, and 10-year goals (might help with perspective)
If possible, making time/games to bond with your family
Phone calls, texts, zoom
Virtual dates/dinner parties/dance parties
Cleaning and organizing
Videogame quests/vibes/practice

I think hardest for me has been trying to plan while also feeling like the next year of my life just disappeared. Relying totally on distant communication and interaction is intimidating. I'm not sure the best way to articulate my feelings around the subject, so I'll check out for now. 

peace,
Faith